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Hey guys!

Gosh, it has been AGES (almost 2 years, by my count) since I last posted properly here! And in that period my life has changed pretty much completely (for the better!), which is… Yeah, wow. I’m not really sure how to condense it all into words!

This is almost certainly going to be my last post on this thing, since LJ is pretty much dead from what I can gather and I’m not even sure if anybody is going to read this, but… I thought I’d do it just as a last bit of summing up, you know? This is gonna sound horribly cliché, but LJ was an absolutely HUGE part of my teenage years (so long ago! She weeps from the lofty platform of 21) and now that that phase of my life is pretty much done I feel like I should close it off properly, you know? Sort of say a goodbye. I might post Yuletide letters after this, but I’m honestly not sure about that to be honest. I’ll be heading into the final year of my degree next year (!) and I feel like that’ll be stressful enough without the extra added pressure of fic, and after that I’ll be facing the real world and a real job market and yeaaaaaah.

Besides, I sort of feel like… Well, not exactly like I’ve “grown out” of writing fic, but like I care about it less. I still like writing, I still quite like to indulge in the idea that I’m rather good at writing, but I have very little time to write these days due to university and what time I do have I’d rather prefer to spend on writing original stuff. I’m not sure if I’m ever going to try and publish it, I don’t think I really WANT a job as a full time author when placed against the alternatives, but it just FEELS nicer. I’ve signed up to Inception Reverse Bang, because I’ve never done a reverse bang/big bang/bang thing, but that miiiight be one of my last fics. I can’t say for definite, because I might watch/read something tomorrow that blows my mind and sends me rocketing back into the world of fandom, but at the moment? I don’t really feel comfortable in that world anymore, and haven’t really since the heady days of 2011-12 when I was writing all that HH fanfiction. And I no longer feel like forcing myself into the patterns of what my 17-18 year old self liked just to cultivate some false idea of character I’ve built up.

…Whoa, that sounded a bit pretentious. But it feels rather good to write! Huzzah!

I think the thing is that I HAVE changed an incredible amount as a person since I last wrote in this thing, and I feel like that’s very much for the better. I had an anxiety related breakdown this winter, which I’m thankfully almost recovered from now due to the help of my lovely family and my even more lovely boyfriend, and it caused me to reevaluate a few things about my life and start moving in a more positive direction. It wasn’t that I was UNHAPPY with my life before I had the breakdown, although I was a bit unhappy in secondary school, but I was… Rather dissatisfied in several areas, and not really acknowledging it. I was shoving the things I disliked about my life down very deep; and, more than that, was denying that I DID (and do) have legitimate mental issues and ignoring the fact that I did actually need to seek help for them because “they aren’t as serious as other people’s issues, so I’m totally fine!”

…Yeah, no.

LUCKILY I am in a far better place now. The breakdown wasn’t nice, it was as awful as FUCK when it was going on, but it did force me to face a few things and now… Well, I feel like a better person. I feel more like myself than I ever have before, which is pretty great.

I’ve finished my second year at university now, which I’m rather proud of considering the breakdown and the fact that they suddenly dropped a mountain of work on my head. I used to think that I wanted to be an academic, but this year has most definitely changed that for me and for that I’m grateful. I’ve now changed direction a little and decided that I want to TEACH – which is really why I was drawn to Academia in the first place. I want to help people, and inspire them to find their own path. It’s a career path that I actively feel good about most of the time, which is more than I can say for academia.

And, really, I should’ve guessed that before – because when I think about all that I’ve done at university I don’t list my academic accomplishments, but the ones established entirely outside of that. I started working at a museum! Only on a volunteering basis, and only once a week, but it’s still pretty fun and if I can’t become a teacher/find teaching just as stressful as academia was becoming (which is sadly possible, considering that the education system in my country is run by a man who can be described as a gibbering idiot at best) I’d be fine doing that for the rest of my life. I also assistant produced a play - which was also very fun and very satisfying to put together, but did sort of show me that I’m not enough of a ‘people person’ to really be that happy in that sort of theatrical world. I also also became president of a society (hurrah!) which has been… A bit more stressful than I thought it’d be, but I’ve been assured that I’ve been doing a good job despite all that so I’m pretty sure that that’s okay. I also also ALSO have done a lot of work experience at my old school, which was very fun and sort of firmed up the teaching thing for me (though I’d probably be better working with younger kids, who haven’t really discovered nastiness yet). And have sat on a few committees to try and improve my university in various ways, and been LISTENED to a bit which is quite nice. And have done various things with my student union, as incompetent as they can be at times. AND have got an Internship – which I start on Monday, and which should give me enough money to not have to worry about that sort of thing for another year or so!

Phew. I have done more than I thought!

The best thing about these two years, however, has most definitely been the people. And one person in particular – P, my darling boyfriend. He is most truly wonderful. Wonderful and amazing and brilliant in pretty much every single way. I doubt I would have actually got through the whole breakdown thing without his support, and I also very much doubt that I’d be in such a happy place now if he wasn’t around pretty much constantly cheering me up. He makes me feel good about myself when I feel terrible, which is amazing. He’s very kind, likes Doctor Who, very lovely, has introduced me to the wonderful world of Star Trek, very sweet, plays SO MUCH Pokemon with me, and… Just yeah. I’m pretty sure I’m not doing him justice here, actually! All I can really say is that he’s imperfectly perfect, wonderfully human and so lovely that I still sometimes find myself swooning when he walks in the room. We’ve been living together (officially) for about two months now, and it is very nice to wake up to the instant shot of happiness that the sight of him brings~!

So… Yes, I think that’s all I have to say (apart from the thing that I’ve inevitably forgotten, which I may rush back to add in a bit of a panic later). My life has changed beyond all belief since the last time I posted in this thing, and I think that’s for the best. I’m far, far happier now – happy in a way that I didn’t know I could be. I’m probably never really going to use this again, but it feels right to close it off in this way. Life is great, I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t be happier – and I kinda wish that I could show this to fourteen year old me, ALL THOSE YEARS (seven years?) ago, and tell her that it’ll all turn out pretty much alright. That it’ll still shower occasionally, but that mostly the sun will be all bright and beaming and happy. And that everything will be happy. And great. And full of (metaphorical) Narwhals.

(If anybody reading this wants to stay in contact with me they’re perfectly welcome to add me on Twitter @Shagrippina – I mainly rant about Michael Gove being an idiot and sometimes rant about people other than Michael Gove being idiots, but don’t let that stop you! (I’d also tell you to add me on tumblr. But I also haven’t used that in a year, and as a result deleted it about a month or so ago now. <<))

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
hearts_blood
Jun. 19th, 2014 02:49 pm (UTC)
(HUGS)

It's lovely to hear from you again. ♥ It sounds like you're in a wonderful place in your life and I hope that keeps going on and on forever. P. sounds like an absolutely fantastic person. ♥

Poor LJ, it is rather quiet over here. *Pets it* Although not entirely dead... but I don't use it nearly as often as I used to, either.

Oh, and I already follow you on Twitter! I'm @gaslightgallows. :)
doreyg
Jun. 19th, 2014 05:46 pm (UTC)
*HUGS!*

I really do feel like I'm in an absolutely great place now, actually! I certainly feel fulfilled everyday, which beats the quiet resentment of my teenage years by MILES, and... Yeah, just generally good! I've had my wobbly patches, but things are now looking the best they have in years. In possibly EVER, to be honest (since I can't really remember being a baby and being waited on hand and foot, as nice as I'm sure that was).

And P is definitely fantastic, and very inspiring (which is always nice)! He's the main person who poked me into FINALLY acknowledging that my mental state can be a bit wobbly at times, and also the person who helped me acknowledge that that's perfectly okay and there's nothing wrong with getting a little help for it. He's also inspired me to start writing a bit more again, which is also rather nice! And he buys me doughnuts and lego dinosaurs (I GOT A LEGO T-REX FOR MY BIRTHDAY!), and gives me cuddles no matter how mean I'm being, aaaaaaaand I should possibly stop writing now or this comment is going to equal the length of the post above, except entirely filled up with P's many virtues this time. ^^

(An extra special final point, though: I'm pretty sure that he'd write an equal-length comment if asked to detail what he likes about me. So, that's pretty great. :D)

There are still a few things that I sometimes check on here! But, yeah, it's certainly a lot less active than it used to be. I think most people have moved on to tumblr - which is fine, but not really for me any more. There are... Far too many posts that I can no longer take seriously after being out in the world a bit/getting P/BEING OUT IN THE WORLD A BIT (All men are naturally sexist pigs who want to eat your flesh, you know! ALL MEN. ALL OF THEM. Also every movie that passes the Bechdel test is automatically THE BEST THING EVER even if it really isn't please stop.)

I thought that was you! I am glad my periodic instances of pure rage have not put you off yet! :DDDD (Why the world, though? WHY?)
classics_lover
Jun. 19th, 2014 07:04 pm (UTC)
I missed you around here. Sorry you're leaving, but I'm glad you're going on to greater things :D
shatters
Jan. 10th, 2015 04:39 am (UTC)
♥!!!
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )